I wish I took notes when I had all those amazing ideas for blogs and poems…. But I didn’t. And that’s okay. Because the place where the ideas flow from is a place where the undead dwell. Undead, there is no death there. We live forever here.
I see this post as a resurrection creed. Everything in my life has changed, yet again. I guess when you have been diagnosed with a mental illness, your life’s bound to change constantly. People underestimate the power that resides in us all. What is so much more amazing about us crazies is that we have the ability to jump out of our skins and do something outrageous in the name of… I was compelled to!! That is real fire and tangible change. We are the people who belief in revolutions and are at the forefront of transformation. Well…. For the time being, until the next one I guess.
Is your life everything you dreamt of? When you were young, is this what you had in mind? Honestly, this wasn’t it for me. I highly doubt anyone can say that they are really living their childhood dream. The truth is as we grow older and wiser we realise that we create and mould our own reality. Even though my life has taken some serious dwindling paths, it brought me to today. To a day when I can truly say I am the happiest I have ever been.
I lost my job. Haha, as if I misplaced it somehow. I took it in my stride because I had to be a bride in a few weeks. The neckbrace could finally come off as the work stress was eliminated. Who would have thought that being a bride would send the stress levels up sky-high? Oh ja, I developed neck spasms – stress. What is stress anyway??
To me it was and is always the voices. The voices telling me how I will fail at any and all tasks. That I was gonna have an awful wedding because I was predestined for failure regarding marriage. That I was not good enough for this wonderful man that God has chosen for me… Have you ever wondered who or what is at the root of those voices? I figured it out the other day.
Hurt and pain and all of their tearful friends. Uncomforted pain became a sharp, bitter voice that was the epitome of ‘misery seeks company’. I guess the little girl inside of me had no idea what to do with her hurt.
The other day in church I realised that I was holding on to so much baggage and that made me see myself in a negative light. Why do we think it is okay to carry so heavily at the things that only exist to harm us? We don’t deserve the heavy laden burdens. Hence the extreme lightness of heart I am floating on ever since that day. I had to lay it all down. I became aware of years of self-harm and self-abuse. Reminding yourself of your shortcomings and hurt is like putting hurdles in your own way.
A rambling of one topic to another, you might say. This is how I converse in person as well. ‘Wat die hart van vol is, loop die mond van oor’.
Seasons change. That is the beauty of our existence. We have the ability to adapt and to moan so easily about the situation we are in. Yet we adjust and do life when things change abruptly. Here’s to the soldiers who didn’t see the winds of change around the corner. Create your own silver lining and tell your kids how to win the war that the world tries to throw at us.