It is well with my soul

This was not meant to be the next post, but it fought its way here. It fought through attacks of failure, confusion, restlessness and severe lies. Yet we made it here.

We fought through reminders of a turbulent past that we didn’t realize would be so destructive. Our beating heart is one of victory, conquering the beast by making it beautiful.  She didn’t know back then,  she didn’t understand the entirety of her actions because they were based on prior skewed perspectives. Yet we fought off their burning arrows of resistance and past mistakes. They are behind us and have no place in the here and now.

This is a time of revelation and  renewed understanding. That is what we claim, we don’t fear it any longer. For fear is the opposite of love. And as He said…… Ilze is rooted and established in love……. 

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There’s no space for accusers.  The beautiful people who have been handpicked out of everyone on earth to support me- are my reminders in a time such as this.

These are my words and yet again; they might not make sense. I do apologize for not taking more time to show up with my journey in a more concise and structured manner. Time will bring the return of order, right now chaos is at the order of quite a few days. I knew this journey wasn’t gonna be easy, but I did not expect these attacks. I guess soft targets are those who are mushy with emotion but guess what… When the mush, hardens again – the knowledge of where it came from is engraved within. And you cannot try to break me with the same weapons and old strategies.

For it is written….

This is our battle-cry. See, this is the secret you tried to keep from us. But you cannot outlive what you have been designed to do and that is live. Live a full life and love with every inch of your being.

Please take what you need… Please don’t seek a person, a truth, a story within a story. These are jumbled words, strung together on a string like a collection of rejected jewels….

Rambling again… What were we talking about?

I could try and structure this post to adhere to writers’ rules and regulations; but that is not what this moment calls for. This moment calls for a victorious war-cry that bellows from a place of uncertainty and deep confusion. Maybe that is a horrendously hypocritical statement, but honestly this is for those who know without having to explain. For those who are fierce dreamers and reluctant lovers of the superficial. The more we rise, the less we care about the impression we leave the blind with. See us, burn with us in light, open up to what is your own truth or remain… normal.

Life is the here and now, so I decided to type because I have no choice. I still have no clue what this will become but I know those who need to feel these words in their hearts… will.

Writing feels like a friend you haven’t seen in a while. You want to tell them absolutely everything all at once and you end up rambling and inserting loose facts that have to be connected. That’s probably why editing is so vital… and probably why I don’t edit as much. Call it stubbornness or the features of my mental diagnosis, the now moment must jump off the pages and screen. And again… I digress from a start I did not define. Then i guess it isn’t really a diversion is it?Shes-mad-but-shes-magic

Last week my GP saved my inward hurricane from destroying my emotional shelters, yet he exposed the ones that would ultimately crush my spirit. I have been there… why would i return for a second helping? I started writing a poem yesterday, where I likened my own negativity to being seated at a table serving guilt and shame. When its time, i will finish it. Every flower blooms when its their time. As my best friend and sister would say right now… Side note – why does everything come back to food related metaphors? I have an amazing support system. I love you

He said it will take 6weeks to 3 months for my body and mind to adjust… Will I be able to endure the unsturdiness of the emotional plank I’m walking on? Silly questions we ask ourselves, knowing all will be well. Which is why I needed to get that tattoo! It is a reminder of where I came from and how God has always had my back! Being human isn’t easy mister God, thank you for having endless oceans of patience with us.

Overcoming the intentions of my thoughts are so difficult because its circular and not direct. One day victorious, the next humbled by a big fat slap, all thanks to life and its challenges. Leaving me with a… But I thought I was over that?? Have I not learned all there is to learn about feeling a failure and self sabotage? Sooorry, hidden doorway! Deal now or come back in a few months for the same lessons. Might as well do it now. Without the company of pride, leave him alone or better yet… drown his self servient butt and fight!

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And then you realize…. you were never a hopeless romantic, you were a naive little girl that never understood real love at all…. hmmmm… To learn that from a normal friendship is more than disturbing because normal is supposed to be just that. Life has become so maimed in the scars that hurt and pain has bestowed upon her that she is in constant survival mode. There are real rainbows…. It doesn’t have to be what dreams are made of. I think I am ready for a dreamy reality that I chose, I am worth more than the generations of lies that try to occupy my heart and mind.

Take that negativity! Yield! For light is kissing my anointed feet!10341847_494043164059652_4272801773414905473_n